For Mother’s day

Mothers day is coming up, it’s march twenty first

I beg of you do not forget my flower and my gift

promise me you won’t forget my kiss and my hug

my “I love you momie dearest, you are my pride

you are my strength, my power and my fist

without you my soul would go lost and adrift

i am more meaningless than the stupidest bug

unless you stand beside and call me my bride”

I would hug you with all my heart, my soul and my being

make sure my arms would hold on tight to my two human being

the two humans i have given birth to and grown into children 

 of whom I shall never let go and never get tired of the burden

i shall never let go and i shall always protect, love and cherish

these two beings that call me momie until the day I perish

Do not forget Mothers day my beautiful kids, I beg of thee

So I know that this journey was well deserved and all so worthy

 

 

Stupid Ex-Husband

I love how therapeutical blogging is becoming to me. I have always loved writing, and maybe someday I will have my own book, but this blog is helping me vent my anger in a civilized way.

When do I get full freedom from my ex-husband? Is he always gonna be around? I have two kids with him. is he always gonna be present? Is crime still illegal? I need to check… The fucking ass of a bitch of a bird minded man is threatening to change my kids’ school cause he cannot afford it anymore. PLEASE keep in mind that the loser fuck just came from a 21 days vacation trip with his girlfriend to the US. Why do men feel like the kids belong to the mom. We are Lebanese, the mom can never give her identity to the children. I wish I could cause I definitely would. 

To all the inconsiderate, rude, idiot, cruel, evil, weak, stupid, meaningless, loser, workless ex HUSBANDZEZ out there, we are your kids’ moms you fuckheads, we raise, feed, clothe, tutor, drive to activities, culture and nurture them. We spend all our energy, youth, beauty, passion, dreams and money on them so they grow up to be good beings and stable adults and treat the girls properly and decently. The only thing that you, braindead as a pebble, must do is pay for their education. So instead of going out every night, buying clothes, shoes, a new car, the latest phone, and definitely instead of taking your even stupider GF on a trip, keep my kids in a proper school. Where does it end? How can such a father get the heroic image? My kids love their dad. He is their hero in every sense. When will it be the right time to tell them what a loser he is? is it ever? should i protect his secret from the beings i cherish the most so they keep that hero idea of him? will they ever come around? and let me know they appreciate the sacrifice i did? will they ever see that sacrifice? When do we take our deserved statuses in the kids’ eyes? I want them to see, to realize, to appreciate, to learn and definitely not to redo the same mistakes nor make the same choices. 

I am very very angry…

Me and my therapist

I finally realized how much I needed someone to talk to without having to face any judgemental eyes or disappointed grins. So I got me a therapist. After only two sessions with him, I am actually feeling better and I have a kind of a positive view or more hope that things might have a slight chance of probably getting better.  I can tell him anything I want, all my little dark secrets hidden in a very dark faraway place inside of me. I can cry and laugh and be a bitch about something that I totally had to accept for the sake of my kids, my folks and even my job. I told him about my ex of course and I opened all hell’s doors and spitted my gut and slit open my chest and showed him how my heart held so many cracks and about to fall apart, cause a stupid ass, emotionally dead, selfish bastard and junkie decided I was a good enough a choice for a wife and a mother of his kids.
It felt good to cry and it felt even better to feel weak and helpless and scarred.  I want to face my nightmares and start afresh.  I want to fall apart and stand up again. My therapist told me I am no super woman. Well I had to be. I had no choice.  Two kids to care and provide for had to have a super mommy. Since daddy decided he would sit on his butt at forty cause he was a victim to drugs and his life fell apart and he is too weak to hold a job.
I get to hang my cape once a week now and show the world that I am made of flesh and not steel. It’s okay if that world consists of me and my therapist alone.  At least now I get to do that.

Greed vs. Ambition

I had a long discussion with a man I am madly in love with (with his brain, his physique, his views for life,…) but that’s a different story; about the difference between greed and ambition. Come think of it, there’s a very thin line separating greed and ambition and I doubt the human of today is seeing it. When does ambition stop and turns into greed? If you want to achieve more, are you ambitious or geedy? Our discussion started about being content, appreciating what life has to offer and what we as humans have had the chance to achieve. But we fast realized that “content” is an obsolete word, a dead concept, a used-to-be state of mind. Nowadays we can never be content. We are teaching our kids not to be content. We want them to have it all, do it all and become it all… and we go sob at the shrink that our kids are sucking the life out of us, abusing every dollar we have and never appreciating what we give them. We are giving so much and it’s never enough. I hear the statement all around me, I even use it on every occasion I get where I can play victim. We are turning our kids into greedy beings and self centered humans. So, I would really appreciate some input on this subject. What is ambition? And what is greed? I’m not talking about book definitions, I’m talking about today’s life and what is has become, is there really a way to separate them????

Marriages in LaLa Land

I am divorced!

No longer a shameful thing to say and admit. It’s rather a statement of: I ain’t taking your shit anymore babe… Divorce was a taboo, a shame on the family and a disgrace in society. My kids have friends of divorced parents more than friends of married parents. Kids can relate now, they are no longer left out and bullied for having divorced parents. They are quite at ease when they say: “my dad does not live with us”, “this weekend i am at dad’s”, … what has the sacred concept of marriage come to? is it all gone? has it vanished with all the other morales we have lost in this millennium?

My theory of a successful marriage is a partnership, a friendship and a consensus. Lower your expectations, fuck it, erase them all. No party can meet the expectations of marriage. To keep the person you love that you have fought the world to get him to walk you down that aisle and say I do, you gotta lower your expectations till they hit the ground. And maybe then, just maybe, you can actually survive the first seven years. Who knows…

Technology and children

The age of technology and information has forced our kids to be a screen generation. I have 2 kids, a girl (9) and a boy (7). My girl can master a computer and an ipod better than I and my little gangsta can beat anyone on his wii games.
Why have we come to this? Why are our kids preferring staying in than exploring the world? Is it us? Are we becoming over protective? We blame the technology while the one to blame is the parent. We are too scared of letting them out to play. Has the world gone so bad that we can’t trust our neighbor near our daughters?  Or sons??? We have to be watching them at every second so staying in sounds a much better idea. And technology jumped in to the rescue. Don’t take your kids out, keep them in and I’ll keep them busy.
Maybe that’s safer, who knows…