I wish I can

I often take myself on a journey, an imaginative one, very very far from our reality. Maybe because i travel a lot I could have a detailed idea of this much desired reality. Let’s see. Close your eyes and imagine with me.

6.00 am: the alarm rings and you energetically jump out of bed, get into the bathtub, open the water and water actually runs down

6.30 am: wake the kids up, prepare snacks for school, run down to meet the bus and the bus is actually on time

7.00 am: head to beirut, to work. I do live in Kaslik and commute to Beirut every day. So imagine getting to the office by 8am.

8.45am to 4.00pm: office work. I love my job but it’s like everything we try to do in this country seems to take time and lots and lots of money. So imagine getting some things actually done.

4.00pm i am exhausted and hungry so i jump into my car and head home. Imagine getting home within a 15 to 20 minutes drive.

8.00pm i have cooked for tomorrow, got my kids ready for school, supervised their studies, prepared dinner, got them to take their showers, put them to bed and now it’s time to watch the news. and OHHHHHH MYYYY LORDDDDD what a Hugeeeeee mistake to watch the fucking news. ISIS is around the corner, Ebola is flying in soon, the refugees, the viruses, the anger, the frustration, the kidnapping, the poverty, the family clashes, the crime rate, the inflation…

9.00pm off to bed, exhausted, scared, broke and very mad and imagine actually sleeping.

I do not know where we are getting to but i sure as hell hate the ride…

Istanbul – WOW

Blue Mosque
Blue Mosque
2014-05-01 13.02.13

For my birthday i planned an escapade weekend to Istanbul Turkey. Very smart decision.

A close friend and I traveled to Istanbul last Thursday (May1st) and headed to the hotel directly. We were smart enough to stay in the old town. The old town is insanely romantic, very central, full of restaurants and bars and most importantly very very quiet.

Here are MY recommendations to see Turkey:

1- Pack light.The shopping temptations are insane

2- Stay in the Old town in a cute boutique hotel. there are plenty. Choose the hotel with a rooftop. Seeing the city at night from the roof of the hotel is quite amazing.

3- Walk and walk and walk around the old town. We were staying next to Hagia Sophia and the blue mosque. We did the whole city on foot. it was great.

4- Do the turkish Hamam. DO NOT MISS THAT. My skin still feels soft and shiny. Amazing therapy, both physical and mental.

5- Eat at Nusret Steakhouse. i would give this restaurant a high five. It’s not cheap but worth every penny. The waiters are so friendly and the meat is uncomparable and the ambience is really nice. 🙂

6- Go see the Prince’s Islands if you have time to kill. It’s a two hour boat ride from Istanbul. the Scenery is amazing and very relaxing. I would pack a bikini top and do some tanning while you’re at it. If you are as lucky as we were you would see a pack of Dolphins swimming very close to the ferry.

7- Dervish prayer dance. I was amazed to see religious men in white robes whirling in prayer. No clapping and no photos allowed, don’t get too excited.

8-  Plan your eating places ahead of time. Once you get there all places would be fully booked. Buy the tourist attractions tickets online, the queues are insane. The only bad experience was the world famous REINA club, their watchdog decided we were no good to get in. Too bad. Would have loved to see it. if you book in the restaurant though they have to let you in.

9- Go to Taksim square and discover never before seen seas of people. The masses walking down Istiklal street at every hour of the day is very impressive. Dine at 360 on Taksim. You get to see an all round view of Istanbul from up there.

10- I found it quite affordable compared to Beirut. The bottle of water (Nestle) is for 0.75 Turkish Lira (~0.3$) in the touristic area. A decent meal is for 25-30$ without alcohol.

I love Istanbul, the city on two continents is definitely a city to see. Go witness this vibrant city and enjoy the calmness of the Old days and the bustle of the present in one single hour. I hope everyone who got to see it agrees with me cause there are some contradicting views about istanbul. If i understood well it is all about where you stay. I would definitely recommend the European side in the old city… 🙂 

 

My daughter

Life is strange. My daughter is eleven today. I remember my mom nagging about time passing by so fast. I agree with her. Time is not giving us the time to enjoy the time that is passing us by. It feels like yesterday when i first held my daughter in my arms. when i first saw her and smelled her. she grew to be beautiful and smart and loving. We do fight sometimes and argue and bicker but most of the times we sing and dance and laugh together. She is my best eleven year old friend.
Will she have a good career? will she be pretty? skinny?
what will her boyfriends be like? decent? abusive? kind? addicts?
My daughter is eleven today and it scares me to death…

Oh God where art thou?

I had a discussion yesterday night with a good friend who had been fighting her own self from all the anger, disappointments and loneliness in her life. I found her very calm, quiet and serene. She told me she found Jesus again.

I don’t know how to do that.

I lost him somewhere along the way. Along the very harsh, rude, devastating life’s path. I was never a very strong believer but I did believe in God. I lost him too. I don’t believe in any higher being preaching for love and peace. But I should. It’s very cold in me. I fight to stay the good person that I am. i fight to keep that girl in me a passionate, tender, caring, loving and peaceful girl.

Where did I lose you? When exactly? I miss having you around to blame and to thank. To adore beyond any understanding. I miss believing you exist unconditionally. How do I go back? I have read so many books that said you did not exist. I have witnessed so much evil proving you don’t. Where are you now? The world needs you. We need an army of angels to fight the evil that is roaming our world. Hunger, famine, wars, richness of the riches, poorness of the poors, greed, crime, addiction, lust, pedophily, slavery… and the list goes on. People stopped believing. My friend told me that the virgin mary said the world needs an army, an army of believers and an army of prayers to fight today’s evil. I want to believe that. I want this epic movie to start and Joan of Arc to lead an army and fight back the evil occupation. Where do I enlist? There’s an army occupying countries’ riches, another one acquiring a land that is not his, a third one using chemical weapons to wipe out his own people, a plane vanishing off the face of the earth, more than 500 people sentenced to death in one trial, Bombings, killings, rapings…

Please God send your angels to enlist the very few good men left that live by your wisdom, to train them and lead them into combat. Evil is winning and it’s winning ground fast. there is no room for good anymore. there are no more good intentions left in people. If you do exist you need to come now. You sent your son and your prophets back in the days. I think you need to send the whole battalion now. send them on horses or unicorns, on chariots of wheels or of fire, send them with wings or or send your archeries. just send them now. They did it back in the days of the elves and the dwarfs. They defended Middle Earth and saved it from sauron. We can do it as well. I am sure we can.  All we need are the avengers, Gandalf, the elves, the autobots, definitely the spartans, the spy kids, wonderwoman, superman, spiderman, batman, all Marvel’s men, all the students and teachers of hogwarts and whatever is left of the humans who are still humans…

Please God come back and lead this battle. We are losing and we are losing big time.

For Mother’s day

Mothers day is coming up, it’s march twenty first

I beg of you do not forget my flower and my gift

promise me you won’t forget my kiss and my hug

my “I love you momie dearest, you are my pride

you are my strength, my power and my fist

without you my soul would go lost and adrift

i am more meaningless than the stupidest bug

unless you stand beside and call me my bride”

I would hug you with all my heart, my soul and my being

make sure my arms would hold on tight to my two human being

the two humans i have given birth to and grown into children 

 of whom I shall never let go and never get tired of the burden

i shall never let go and i shall always protect, love and cherish

these two beings that call me momie until the day I perish

Do not forget Mothers day my beautiful kids, I beg of thee

So I know that this journey was well deserved and all so worthy

 

 

It’s Valentine’s again :(

Valentine Oh valentine you come around again
Your little angel missed and his arrow went in vain
I hate that you coming and your presence I disdain
For the ladies will be loved and I will watch in pain

As two days go by with no red flower in sight
My heart will be aching, my brain will fright
Another year has passed and lonely was my fight
To have a decent journey and make it look right

But I miss having emotions, sentiments, feelings
As the years flew by my heart’s crust is peeling
My heart is aching, crying, bleeding and dreaming
Of a second chance to loving, beating and healing

But I will not break and I will not bend
My heart has scars that only I can mend
Give me a lover and to him I will tend
Make his pain mine and all his suffer end

A lover to be partner for the good and the bad
Another story though from the one I had
That one broke my back and made my heart mad
No, a nice story that would make me not be a lad

A story that would summon that woman I buried
Who had to disappear when to a monster was married
That monster she divorced and her own life she carried
With her two beautiful angels on a journey she ferried

Oh valentine be nice be gentle and be kind
Your presence and festivities I do not mind
But for godssake for next year do unwind
And let that arrow of yours my heart find                                                                       Image

Stupid Ex-Husband

Angry-Birds-2 copy

I love how therapeutical blogging is becoming to me. I have always loved writing, and maybe someday I will have my own book, but this blog is helping me vent my anger in a civilized way.

When do I get full freedom from my ex-husband? Is he always gonna be around? I have two kids with him. is he always gonna be present? Is crime still illegal? I need to check… The fucking ass of a bitch of a bird minded man is threatening to change my kids’ school cause he cannot afford it anymore. PLEASE keep in mind that the loser fuck just came from a 21 days vacation trip with his girlfriend to the US. Why do men feel like the kids belong to the mom. We are Lebanese, the mom can never give her identity to the children. I wish I could cause I definitely would. 

To all the inconsiderate, rude, idiot, cruel, evil, weak, stupid, meaningless, loser, workless ex HUSBANDZEZ out there, we are your kids’ moms you fuckheads, we raise, feed, clothe, tutor, drive to activities, culture and nurture them. We spend all our energy, youth, beauty, passion, dreams and money on them so they grow up to be good beings and stable adults and treat the girls properly and decently. The only thing that you, braindead as a pebble, must do is pay for their education. So instead of going out every night, buying clothes, shoes, a new car, the latest phone, and definitely instead of taking your even stupider GF on a trip, keep my kids in a proper school. Where does it end? How can such a father get the heroic image? My kids love their dad. He is their hero in every sense. When will it be the right time to tell them what a loser he is? is it ever? should i protect his secret from the beings i cherish the most so they keep that hero idea of him? will they ever come around? and let me know they appreciate the sacrifice i did? will they ever see that sacrifice? When do we take our deserved statuses in the kids’ eyes? I want them to see, to realize, to appreciate, to learn and definitely not to redo the same mistakes nor make the same choices. 

I am very very angry…